On Forgiveness ~ Part 2

In my last post, I shared an e-mail I received from "Dee" after she heard me share my testimony. (If you didn't read Dee's e-mail, please click here to read it. You'll be so glad you did!)

I'll be honest...I had the hardest time knowing what to say to Dee. Finally, after a number of days of staring at her e-mail, I did what she originally asked me to do....share more of what I learned on my journey.

Today I'll share my response to Dee. My hope and prayer is that if you (or someone you know) wrestle with thoughts of self-condemnation, perhaps the correspondence Dee and I have shared will encourage you on your journey towards freedom and wholeness in Christ.

Hello dear Dee,

I have prayed for you every day since you sent your note. I wish I had all of the right answers or a verse that would make it all better, but instead will share what I've learned and pray God would encourage you with my words.

First, please know, walking in forgiveness (of myself and others) has definitely been a process for me. When I turned to Jesus in 1996, I was carrying HUGE burdens of shame and guilt. The choices that I made during the years of my life “before Christ” were horrible. When I finally hit bottom with my addiction, I was a real disaster. Trust me.

God really used a Godly mentor named Michele to help me on the road of forgiveness. One of the things that Michele had me do was make a list of all of the poor choices I had made, and write them on a balloon (I actually needed two balloons!!)

Then I prayed that God would forgive me of all of my past choices (1 John 1:9), and let the balloons go. This was very healing. The balloons were such a great visual reminder of my sins being GONE ~ really GONE.

When the enemy (the devil) tried to remind me of my poor choices, it was helpful to remember that sin was GONE (just like the balloons). I was forgiven! No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t take the sin back.

Michele also asked me to make a list of every person I needed to forgive. Kids that had teased me. The people that had hurt me. Myself.

Then she gave me a bag of stones. I sat by a lake and pulled out a stone one by one for each person. I took the stone, prayed a prayer forgiving them for their action, and then threw the stone in the lake. It was a day of immense freedom and victory for me!

It was amazing how many of the people I had forgiven I would "run into" after the lake episode (at the store, etc). It was so helpful to think “you have no more control over me. I’ve forgiven you” rather than have such hurtful thoughts toward that person. I was free!

I realized how much FREEDOM there is in letting people off of the hook. The unforgiveness of others was not hurting them, only me.

I've also learned the beautiful thing about life with Jesus is that He does give us do-overs, Dee!! Jesus is a Savior of 2nd (and 3rd and 4th) chances!! He can take your poor choices and make something beautiful out of the mess. Only God can do that. He will make beauty out of your ashes, in His timing.

And not only did God give me a do-over, He also gave me a new reputation. Only God! And if He can do it for me, He can do it for you!! Guaranteed!

One last thought… Forgiving myself has been a mental choice. Even if I don’t "feel" forgiven, I need to walk in the Truth that I am forgiven. I asked God to help me see myself as He sees me (I still pray this every day).

My mind tells me that I am not good enough, made horrible choices, a disappointment to my parents, etc.. I MUST FILL MY MIND WITH THE TRUTH OF WHO GOD SAYS I AM. I MUST!!

And when the enemy starts to fill my mind with guilt and shame, I throw God’s Word back in the devil’s face.

God’s Word says I am forgiven.

God’s Word says there is NO CONDEMNTATION for those in Christ Jesus.

God’s Word says I am Lavishly Loved.

God’s Word says I am accepted just the way that I am.

Julie wasn’t kidding when she said I have verse cards everywhere. It’s true. My life has been transformed largely because my mind has been transformed. I still live this way today.

I don’t know if any of this is helpful to you, Dee. Please just know that I care and that you are not alone. It is not a coincidence that God brought you to our group. Or that He had me walk over and hug you Monday night. Now I look back and see that as God saying to you “I love you, Dee. I forgive you. I’ve forgotten. Let Me help you forgive yourself. Let’s walk in forgiveness and peace”. Jesus came to set you free, Dee. Victory is yours in Him!! In Him, Cindy

Dee's response to my response on my next post...

On Forgiveness ~ Part 1

I recently had the chance to share my testimony at our "Magnificent Monday" Bible study. As I was speaking, I could tell that parts of my journey were significantly impacting a dear woman (I'll call her Dee ~ not her real name), who was sitting at a slight angle to my right. Later that evening, I shared with my friend Julie, "If sharing my testimony was just to reach Dee, it was worth it. Something that I said really got to her. God is doing something huge in her life."
Little did I know...

Just a few days later, I received a very real, yet heartbreaking e-mail from Dee. I share it with you today with Dee's full permission.

Hi Cindy,

Your testimony was very powerful this past Monday night. I cried a lot
That night. Actually, most of the way home too. My friend suggested I
Email you.

I can not forgive myself for turning to drugs. I started drugs right after I graduated
High school, when my parents kicked me out of the house. No actually I was already
Smoking pot then. I did not stop until 1991 right after my mother in law died.

I neglected my children most of their life and have tried very hard to make it up to them.
I have not been very successful where my daughter is concerned. I am trying to be
A Christian mother and grandmother. I gave my life back to God in 2001, a year
Before my husband died. We were married to 27 years.

Since his death, I have watched the poor choices my children have made, and all I can
Do is scold myself for being so selfish when they were little. The most important thing
In my life at that time was being high.

I believe the only reason for me still being alive is my dad prayed and prayed. I love
To listen to his prayers now.

My heart is sick over the way I have behaved. I am happy that I stopped doing drugs since
1991, and I have no desire for them. I wish I could have a do over life.

How did you forgive yourself? What am I missing? I have been able to forgive my parents
For throwing me out of the house, Oh,, that did take some time. I love them so very much.
But I am so mad at myself. I cannot seem to get away from self condemnation.

Your Friend,
Dee


Wow, huh?? I just stared at my computer and wept. And then I prayed, "Oh Lord, how can I encourage Dee?? Please give me Your Words to share!"

Continued on my next post...



P.S. Thank you for your kind words and prayers as I've been battling my latest round of sickness!! I am excited to say I'm feeling slightly better ~ it's now more of a nagging cough/cold rather than the flu! I am PRAYING that I will be completely healed by Monday night! I cannot miss Bible Study two weeks in a row!! I miss all the Magnificent Women!! :)

A Bright Spot!

(Picture above ~ Me and my son Benj. This post is dedicated to my precious little guy!)

I'm really sick...again! I've been fighting chills, a fever, horrible sore throat, fatigue, and more! I even had to miss Bible Study last night! Bummer!! I'm off to the doctor this morning...

In the midst of my "less than Magnificent" Monday yesterday, I was still very blessed. New Beth Moore Inheritance DVD's to watch (although I kept falling asleep as soon as I turned on the TV). Lunch from Panera. A nice, cold Diet Coke (thanks, Julie ~ boy did it hit the spot on my sore throat! I'll try "no pop" again next month). Homemade chicken noodle soup. Offers to bring Starbucks (you know I'm sick when a vanilla latte doesn't sound good!). Calls and e-mails of hope and encouragement. Lots of prayer support. I am blessed and grateful. :)

My family has been extra supportive and caring. John has been taking care of all of his "household responsibilities", and mine too. John even left work early yesterday to take the kids to their school skating party. I was so bummed I couldn't go. I've been looking forward to it for weeks!

My little guy Benj (age 8) sure blessed me though! We've been talking all week about "the races" at the skating party. I knew Benj would do great in the race, but he was nervous even to try (he's an amazing hockey player, so I figured he'd do well). I was disappointed I wouldn't be at the skating party to encourage Benj to try and to cheer him on!

Of course I wasn't surprised when John and the kids came home happy after a great time together. What did surprise me was the fountain Diet Pepsi Benj was carrying. It was for me!

Benj did try the skating race, and he won! His reward? A ticket for a free soft drink. John said Benj carried his ticket in his pocket during the rest of the party. When it was time to go, Benj told John he wanted to get a cold drink for his sick mom. He had saved his reward ticket for me!

Isn't that precious?

I am convinced that even in the midst of our most challenging days, God will bring bright spots to us...if we choose to look for them!

What about for you? What bright spots has God brought your way??

Many blessings to you~


P.S. Sorry if my thoughts are a bit jumbled...I'm heading back to bed and then off to the doctor!!

**UPDATE** ~ I'm back from the doctor. Thankfully it's not swine flu or strep throat, just a nasty upper respiratory infection. Hopefully I'll be on the road to recovery soon! ***

Five Question Friday!

Wow! Where did the week go?! :)

Now that my 4 kids are in school (almost full-time), I always smile when someone asks what I do with "all of my free time"!

My week was filled with hockey practices, JV football, ballet, field trips, lots of homework, many minutes of reading with kids, PTO baking, lunch duty, Bible study (woo hoo!), preparing for upcoming talks, recess duty, plus...not to mention a horrible cold and sore throat!
Ahhh! I need another nap!

Tonight I stumbled across a cute blog called My Little Life that hosts Five Question Friday! What fun! Here goes...

October 2nd Questions:

1. What is your favorite ABBA song? I don't know too many ABBA songs! I would have to pick "Dancing Queen" since it's the only ABBA song I know. I used to roller skate to Dancing Queen a lot when I was little!

2. The thing you love most about fall is...the beautiful colors, jumping in leaves with my kids, Honeycrisp apples, hot cider, fall decor ~ so many things! My favorite would be our Family Tradition of taking a hay ride and enjoying donuts and cider together afterwards!

3. What store you would love to spend to heart's desire (money is no object)? Party City! I love to CELEBRATE and every time I go to Party City, I'm convinced I must throw another Party! In fact, tomorrow we are having a Michigan/Michigan State football party ~ just because the football decorations there all looked so fun!! :)

4. What is your favorite snack food? Chips and salsa, for sure! Best when paired with a nice, cold Diet Coke! (I'm giving up pop for the month of October though, so I need to move on....)

5. What was your first car? My first car was a blue Ford escort. I purchased it new when I graduated from college in 1993 (thanks to my Grandma Stille).

A fun God story...When John and I were getting married, we didn't need my blue car anymore. I sensed we were supposed to give it away to someone in need. John wasn't too sure about giving it away at first (esp. when it was still in good, resellable condition), but after praying about it, he quickly changed his mind. John knew a single mom from church who was struggling financially, so he called her to see if she could use a car.

Would you believe her car had recently died, and she had just asked her small group to start praying about transportation for her and her son?! Isn't God awesome??

John, Jake and I went to deliver the car to her, and I took her for a ride before handing her the keys. I reminded her that God would always take car of her and her son, and anytime she doubted His care and provision, to just remember this car!! It was such an awesome day!!

The next day I was called into my boss' office at work. (I worked at church and the associate pastor was my boss). The Associate Pastor wanted me to know the Elders were grateful for my hard work and wanted to give me a $7,000 raise!! Woo Hoo!! A coincidence?? I don't think so!! God is good...all the time!!!

Hope you enjoyed my first Five Question Friday! Hop on over to My Little Life and join the fun!
Many blessings to you!! :)