Saturday, December 10, 2011

My Hardest, Saddest Day Ever

These words were penned last year on this date, but could have been written early this morning. December 10 continues to be my hardest, saddest day ever....

It happened already this morning.

I came downstairs early while the house was still dark, quietly clicked on the TV, and began watching the news to plan my day.

Would they cancel school because of the snow? Would I have hot lunch duty? Could I keep my coffee date with a friend? And then, suddenly on the screen of my TV, they displayed the date, "December 10th".

My stomach formed a deep, painful knot and the tears began to flow.

Today's date, "December 10th" represents to me...



unbearable grief...

I've tried to reframe the day, sleep it away, pretend it doesn't exist. Stuffing doesn't work, nor does numbing. My heart and mind are triggered back to that painful night instantly when I see the date.

December 10th wasn't always such a hard day. In fact, for many weeks, we were looking forward to December 10th.

My fiance David and I were in the midst of planning our upcoming May 1st wedding. I had my dress and bridesmaids and maid of honor. We had the church and reception hall and DJ. David had my ring.

We had so many other wedding details yet to plan. However, I also had a huge licensing review at work to be completed on December 10th. Although I was eagerly anticipating planning my wedding, I needed to focus on my work project first. Once that was finished, I could give the wedding planning my all.

And then everything changed.

I arrived at my parents home after my licensing review on December 10, 1998 to pick up my 4 year old son Jake. Whew! I can start planning my wedding now. Yippee!!

David called to see how it went at work. "Fabulous", I shared! He wanted to hear all about it, but instead I insisted he wrap things up at work so I could tell him in person. It was 5:15 PM. "Great", David replied. "I need to check on one more thing at work, see if your brother Bryan is here, and then I'll be by to pick up you and Jake as quick as I can. Let's go out and celebrate! I should be there in 30 minutes."

I stretched out on the couch, exhausted, waiting for David to come.

He never came.

Even though I had slightly dozed off on the couch, I heard the phone ring. And then I heard the whispering. My mom and dad came in the family room and stood over me. "Cindy", my mom shared, "there's been an accident. Your brother Bryan just called from work. David's been in an accident."

An accident??

Shoot! We were supposed to go to the Michael W. Smith concert tomorrow. Did he break his arm? Would we need to give away our tickets? No big deal. I'd spend the weekend in a hospital chair near his bed if needed. Wherever David was is where I wanted to be.

"Where is he?" I asked. Did I need to meet him at the hospital? Could I drive him there myself??
"Cindy, we just need to pray", my mom responded.

Suddenly I realized David just didn't break his arm. I ran upstairs and began calling my friends to pray. I had only been a Christian for 2 years, but I could tell in my mom's voice that we needed prayer. And quickly.

And then, while I was on the other line with a friend, my brother Bryan called.

"How is he, Bry??" I asked.

"Cindy, let me talk to mom."

"No, Bry, first tell me how David is. Do I need to come to work?? Is he already at the hospital?"

"Cindy, let me talk to mom."

"Bry, just tell me..."

And then my brother shared the painful, life changing, gut wrenching words....

"I'm sorry Cindy, he's gone...."

I ran down the stairs weeping and wailing. My parents, unaware that Bryan had called, watched as I threw myself down on the hard wood floor and began pounding my fists in the ground. "No! No! No!" was all I could say....

Before long, their house was filled with people.

My best friend Michele...who "just knew" to come, even before she heard what happened.
My boss.
My pastor and his wife.
So many others.

At one point, I cleared everyone out of the room, except my pastor friend Rob. We sat on my parents steps while I wept. Through my tears I asked him over and over again, "Why? Why? Why would God allow this?"

David often said he would give his life for just one person to know Jesus. WHY would God take him home??.......

And this painful, long, heart-breaking night is what I remember everytime I see or hear "December 10th".

In an instant, I am back to my parents home. I hear the sounds. I remember the loss. I feel the pain.

Thank you, dear bloggy friends, for allowing me to share this part of my journey with you. Today was the first time I've ever typed out the details of the night. God does not waste our pain ~ of this, I am sure.

And thank you to my husband John for his extra sensitivity and grace on this day. John is God's special gift to me.

May we experience all that He has for us today.

Although we don't know what the future holds, we do know the One who holds the future...and He is faithful and loving and true. It's gonna be ok.

P.S. Remember how I shared that David said he would give his life for just one person to know Jesus. Two days later, at David’s funeral, my Dad (who had been an atheist/agnostic) accepted Jesus as His Savior!


Shannon Lawrence said...

What a heart wrenching story. I'm so very sorry for what happened, and glad you have found happiness since. I hope the date is not always so hard, but that it will bring positive memories in the future.

melody-mae said...

I LOVE the very end of this post, when your Dad gave his life to Christ!!! Thank you for sharing this heart wrenching but powerful story.

Leah @ Point Ministries said...

I pray God's healing peace on your heart. I cannot even imagine how hard it must be....even so many years later. God bless you.

Susie Finkbeiner said...

Cindy, thank you for sharing this. And for letting us know that today is a day to pray for you. Peace for you today. Much love.

Meg said...

My date is December 21st. My dad passed away 24 years ago, I had two little girls and a husband who I left so I could go be with my family in Colorado. It was Christmas time, my dads favorite holiday. The words on the phone left me paralyzed, and Christmas has never been the same. I pull from my faith and try to see the light but at the same time struggle with the whys. Today I celebrate his life on this day, doing something he would enjoy and remembering his kind spirit with offerings to those in need. Thank you Cindy for sharing this with me today. I needed your sparkle and share in the loss and heartbreak.

Natalie said...

I am asking God to give you the peace that surpasses understanding today. Thank you for entrusting us to pray with you in this heartache.

Jen said...

Just wanted to let you know that you are loved and prayed for!

Theresa said...

(((((HUGS))))) Sending you much love today, Cindy.

BARBIE said...

My sweet friend, my heart is with you today. May God reach down and bring comfort to you. I praise God for your dad's salvation through this nightmare.

Loni said...

Cindy...I met you at the Carol Kent taping. My heart aches with you for tomorrow was my worst day ever when our 16 year old son died in our home. I can still hear the screams in my head. But like you I rejoice that others have come to know Jesus because of his death. more tears!! I've written several posts about him on my blog this week.

Longmeadow Mama said...

Changed up the rings on my fingers today so that every time I notice how weird it feels, I will remember to send up a prayer for you on this day. My date is Sept. 9, the day back in 1988 when my little brother died. These days are so awful but a chance for God to show Himself in ways He could not otherwise.

Lea also known as "CiCi" said...

Oh, my, this brought tears to my eyes. The whole situation, and how God brought you through to the other side and that your Dad came to know Christ. OMG! this is awe inspiring and especially here at Christmas. Blessings as you go forth!

Treasure Chest Ministries said...

Cindy, I hadn't realized we "shared" this date. December 10 is the date our son-in-law "was healed" from cancer. After 2 1/2 years fighting our Lord took him home and our daughter was a 24 year old widow. But she has a great 2nd love of her life like you and life is moving on. We are deeper richer people because of having and losing him from our life. Your smile will forever be in my heart. Thanks for sharing your life so God can be glorified.

Rosann said...

Oh Cindy, I may not have felt the gut wrenching pain you experienced that awful day so many years ago, but reading your story this morning, I cried right alongside you. You are an amazing woman of strength and perseverance. God is so good and has done inspiring works in your life and as a result the lives of your readers. Continue sharing the rawness of your story because you are touching others in powerful ways. You are a great example of Romans all things God works for the good of those who love him.

Thank you for always being real.

~Blessings my sweet friend,

barefootoffering said...

"Thou art my God. My times are in Thy Hand." Ps. 31:14,15

...and what a time to receive your beautiful Christmas card with the photo of your blessed family!

Anonymous said...

You are a tribute to the power of God. God bless your beautiful heart and life as you continue shining for Him. With much love, Jenny C.

Anonymous said...

I too lost a David on the 10th of the month many years ago. He would be 30 in 2012. Your story was special to me. Thanks for sharing Cindy.

Shonda said...

Even after all these years, I know that pain is always there! Thanks for sharing and so glad God has redeemed and given you a wonderful husband in John and thankful that you dad came to know the Lord through the loss of David.

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