Sunday, October 2, 2011

When There Are No Words (my response to a horrible weekend tragedy)

Dear Friends ~

I woke up yesterday morning and read the following FB message from a dear friend....

Cindy, Thinking of you and lifting you up in prayer as I read the front page news in the Press. May God's deep grace and love surround you.

I wasn't sure what she meant. I found the front page of the Grand Rapids Press. It read,

"Families Grieve On What Was to be Wedding Day"

Oh my!
Painful memories flooded my heart....

If you live in the West Michigan area, by now you've probably heard of the
local tragedy that claimed the lives of Michael Stille, 22, and Chad Bradbury, 24. Chad was to marry Samantha Stille the very next day, and Michael was Samantha's brother.

Tragically, the SUV the men were riding in as they were returning from getting their tuxes hit a ditch. The vehicle flew through the air before landing against a house. The driver survived, but Chad and Michael lost their lives in the devestating accident.

Whereas I don't know this Stille family personally, my dad says we are distantly related (yes, Stille is my maiden name. Best I can figure, my dad's first cousin is Samantha's dad - or something like that). Regardless, I have been praying for Samantha and the families all weekend.

Unfortunately I remember all too well the day
I received a call that my "soon-to-be" husband David had been unexpectedly killed in a tragic accident.

What in the world do you say and/or do when something like this happens??

I can still vividly remember heading to the visitation, in the midst of intense grief, getting ready to stand before David's casket to greet friends and family. I asked my friend Betty, "What in the world am I going to say to everyone?"

Betty said, "Cindy, you don't have to worry. Right now everyone is wondering what they are going to say to you."

Somehow I made it through the vistation and funeral, and now, having journeyed through "the valley of grief" ~ I've learned a little bit about what is helpful to say/do in the midst of a loss.

Here are some of my ideas...

Things to Say~

* I am so sorry for your loss. (this is my all-time favorite)

* Please tell me how I can help. I want to be here for you.

* May I give you a hug?

* Please tell me what you are feeling right now ~I have never been through something like this.

*_______ was such a great________. I will really miss him/her.

*It's ok if you do not feel like talking right now. Just know that I am here to listen whenever you are ready.

Things NOT to Say~

*"I know how you feel." (This would make me want to scream, “YOU don’t know how I feel, no one knows how bad I feel!)”

*“Time heals all wounds.” (Not true, not true!)

*“You’ll be ok. God knows what He is doing” (Whereas it is true God does know what He is doing, these words are not often helpful to someone grieving a loss.)

*"Just call me if there is anything I can do." (Trust me, in the midst of grief, you can’t think straight and you have no idea what you need.)

My best advice for helping....fill the home with Kleenexes, food (although those grieving probably won't want to eat it, so simple, healthy options are best), and be available and ready for anything. Look through picture albums. Come over in the morning with hot coffee.

One friend would come over every Thursday night and watch ER with me. Her presence, listening ear and patience was invaluable. Be there.

Also, the next year following a loss is extremely painful. If you know someone who is grieving a loss, mark your calendar with their name on the major holidays, and be sure to "check in" on the first Easter, Fathers Day, Christmas, etc.. Keep them in your prayers.

Lastly, although everyone is different, my encouragement would be to not be afraid to bring up the deceased person's name. I still wanted to talk about David in the weeks and months to come, but I could sense others didn't want to "upset me". I've found many times this is the case when a death takes place.

I know this post is a little "heavy" for the weekend (sorry!) ~ but I would love to hear from you. Have your journeyed with someone through grief? Been through the grief process yourself? What was helpful/not helpful for you??

Let's learn from one another, so we might be a source of joy, comfort and hope during difficult times.

Most importantly, would you please pray for Samantha Stille and the families impacted? May they sense God's comfort and peace each and every moment during the hours, days, weeks and years to come.

He (God) comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, He brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 MSG

In His Great Love,


Kristen said...

Cindy, I thought of you as well as I read that story and how similar it sounded to when you lost David. Thank you for posting this, we are all touched by grief in our lives, and it's so difficult whether it's our own or for someone else. Bless you.

Julie@comehaveapeace said...

Well shared Cindy, from one whose heart has been there. I'm glad you told those of us "out of town" to pray. I think one of the things that has been helpful with me and around me in those grief times is to not be afraid to cry with the wounded. Sometimes we feel like we have to "keep it together," but there's a balm in weeping with those who weep.

BARBIE said...

Oh Cindy, how aweful. I cannot imagine. Saying a prayer for all of those left behind who lost loved ones.

Linda said...

You said it so well Cindy! And the Bible tells us we are to weep with those who weep!

I am so sorry for what you had to go through...and for this family too. How sad.

God has brought comfort and love as no one else could during our times of loss when we lost our three grandchildren. And also with all the other loved ones who have passed on before us.

It is good advice to just "be there", and to let people talk about their loved one, and to help with all of the little things that the grieving one is not able to handle.

Leah Adams said...

How tragic! I cannot even imagine. God bless them and God bless you, Cindy.

Sandra Stiles said...

I've been in those same shoes. There is always a little pain left. God does reach down and comfort. The thing I think people want to do is try to protect the grief stricken person. I know my parents were not going to allow me to go to the funeral home or funeral because they were afraid I couldn't handle it. I had his family that stood with my family yet our friends were afraid. You said it so well. I will be lifting all involved up in prayer.

LisaShaw said...

I have no words Cindy so I will go pray for them and for you and your family. I love you!

Blog Widget by LinkWithin